Rock bottom

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Last year was a good year. I gained back myself. I was happy. I went on a trip to China without my DH and my little girl. I did me the world of good. I had loads of energy and upon return from China I realised I had another IVF in me.

Dh was on board but we were only going to do it in 2015. But then one thing let to another and on the spur of the moment when CD1 arrived we decided to just dive in. It was the best cycle ever. Not in terms of what we got from stimming was not much compared to other cycles. We got 10 eggs with only 2 to 3 embies looking like something. The other eggs were all immature and could not even be used. My age is showing for sure. We transferred 2 embies on day 3, a first for me. We normally transferred at day 5. We were so calm and happy. We did not tell anyone we were doing a cycle. And we knew we were going to fall pregnant.

At 4dp3dt I started getting positive lines. We did a early beta and it was positive. We were pregnant whoop whoop!

But then things went wrong and we had a loss at 5 weeks.

I am speechless. I think I have pretty much hit rock bottom. Ivf’s that dont’ work suck! Positive Ivf’s turning into a loss is just absolutely awful!

I am functioning and doing what I must but I am not happy. It feels like I am just existing from one day to the next. I have some days I feel great and then I drop right back down again. I am trying but it is hard. People ask how are you doing (we have shared to close friends and relatives when we got the positive) and I say ok because how do you explain the empty space in your heart, in your head.

And to make matters worse my AF is so bad it is debilitating. I lose 2 – 4 days of being sick. I can’t really leave the house for long. I spend one night last week on the bathroom floor because I was so nauseous and was running a temperature. I have gone on the mini pill this cycle, I hope it will improve things on that front.

During the IVF I gained 5 kg’s from the hormones. I am struggling to drop it. So adding that to my misery. Freaken fat and infertile!

We will be going to Mauritius in just less than 3 weeks. I hope it will turn around my frame of mind.

Medical issues of a different type

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Shoe the last time I posted was with our failed cycle.  And it seems that may have been a blessing in disguise.

Since November our little girl has been more sick than well.  If it was not this it was that.  With barely any breaks in between.  Tonsilitis, ear infections, throat infections, colds, chest infections and the finally Adeno virus this year March.  Its been living from fevers to fevers with maybe a day or two break in between.  

In April she has had Tonsillitis 18 times since November last year.  Do the math, that is a lot of sick!!  We decided after her 2nd birthday to remove her tonsils and adenoids and add grommits.  This was done on the 26th of April.  It was easiest one of the worst days in my life.  There is no way to explain to anyone what it feels like to leave your little girl in theatre in the hands of Dr’s.  And to stand and wait outside the recovery area hearing your child cry for you and not being able to be with her until she is stable was torture.  I ended up having a panic attack of sorts.  It was horrible.

We thought that would be the end of our troubles with her but sadly it was not to be.  She just got worse and finally got admitted to the hospital for two days which seemed to make a bit of a difference.  But she never really got well enough.  Every time she looks like she is getting better she just goes backwards again.  I have been spending so much time driving to Dr’s and taking her for physio for her chest every day that my work has come to a stand still for a bit.  Through all this she has really been a little trooper.  

She has even started play school.  She loves the stimulation, but sadly she is more at home than at play school.  Finally we had some blood tests done to see if her immune system  has been compromised or if she has any allergies and everything came back normal.  She has been put on 5 weeks of antibiotics to help keep her healthy.  But even that is not working.  We have been battling with fevers again since Sunday.  Spiking up to over 40…  I guess we will be back at the Dr again in the morning.  She is nervous that it may be swine flu.  

Sigh.  So that’s us in a nutshell.  

Home based activities for toddlers.

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It is so difficult keeping a busy toddler occupied during the day. And if your toddler is much like mine who is not all that interested in blocks and the bright and colourful stuff you buy off the shelves in the shops it really takes some head scratching to think up ideas to keep her busy.

Here are some of the things that’s interesting her at almost 20 months.
– Drawing, well more like scribbling.
– Colouring in, really only interested in colouring Barney in.
– Barney and Lollos DVD’s. Likes Liewe Heksie as well. But we are limiting TV time to 1/2 hour only.
– Clothes, she loves trying to dress herself and her dolls.
– She likes carrying her dolls and soft toys around.
– See through plastic bucket with beans and different size cups.
– Clothes line with pegs, likes trying to hang her own clothes.
– Pictures of her on cardboard cut up to be pretend puzzles. She does not like normal puzzles yet. But I found taking photos of her and pasting them onto cardboard and then cut it up into puzzle pieces works well.
– Fridge magnets. This can also keep her busy for a while.
– Washing her dolls.
– Sandpit
– Little play pool outside for during the week, we really only uncover the big pool when we are both at home and will be swimming for more than 5 minutes.
– Playing with clay.
– We are trying finger paint but she has not taken to it. I think it is the dirty hands that puts her off. I should get a nice paint brush for her. Kyra does not like to get her hands dirty.
– She loves listening to music.
– Stacking things. Some she does, but most she just takes them apart.
– Touchy feely book. We have this book with zips, and clips and hooks and eyes etc and she loves this book put her little fingers are just not there yet to be able to do any of them really except pulling up the zip with a little help.

Any ideas mommies of what to do with your toddler at home. I have almost 3 weeks coming up of being home alone with her. Any ideas would be helpful.

Life after IVF

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It’s been a week since our BFN. And to be truth full the reality of no more children is a different story all together from saying it while you still have that possibility that you could get pregnant.

It’s been a tough week to say the least. Kyra has been sick since last week Sunday. She has been running a fever with no other symptoms. By Tuesday last week when we have hit the 3rd day of fever I took her to the paed. Could not find anything wrong so labelled it with a virus which should run itself out in another day or two. We just have to keep her comfortable with pain meds. By that Friday she was still running a fever, my paed was away on holiday and after the week of phoning him and not really getting much joy I decided to find another paed and thankfully got an appointment straight away. She has since that Tuesday developed tonsilitis and middle ear infection. Finally we could give her something and thought that she would bounce back immediately. But unfortunately it was not to be. Our first fever free day was yesterday. 9 days!! I don’t think we have ever had 9 days in a row of not sleeping through. Needles to say DH and I are a bit broken.

On top of that I was hormonal as hell because of coming of the IVF meds. Every time I thought of not being able to give Kyra a sibling I would just break down and cry. I guess it is a good thing because I usually just bottle things up. I have not been easy to live with that is for sure. DH has been an angel coming home early from work to help with Kyra. To top it I have had the worst period I have had in years. To the point of almost passing out.

Work have also been busy!

I am all for this year to be over now. 3 Cycles later with no pregnancy to show for it, having a busy toddler and working hard on my business has taken its toll. I am ready for a break and starting a clean slate next year.

Cycle number 7

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I have not had much time to update on this cycle. In some ways this cycle went so quickly and in others it dragged on forever.

This, in my opinion has been the worst cycle we have ever had. It could just be age, or it could be that on this cycle we did not down regulate with BCP’s. I only used Menopur and not Menopur and Femera. I am not sure how these two things would influence the quality of eggs. But I have set up a meeting with FS to discuss. This is our last cycle I don’t want any what if’s left in my mind.

Oh and if you have not gathered as much, it was a big fat negative. As suspected. Those embies did look dodgy.

5 Days to go.

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Today is 4dp5dt. It finally feels like time is starting to move along. And can you believe it not one pee stick in the house yet. I am surprised at myself.

I have not symptoms to report. With Kyra I definitely knew something was cooking. I am not taking it as a bad sign, my uterus is not the same as before, I have had a baby. So maybe things could be happening, I am just not feeling it this time around. So positive thinking, we are not out of the game just because I am feeling nothing yet.

But as far as I know, if I am not pregnant by now then it probably will not be happening. Oh how I wish there was a way to monitor what is going on inside of me. Sigh.

As for our other embryos. None made it. But I remind myself on the cycle we fell pregnant with Kyra none of our remaining embryos made it either so it is not a bad thing necessarily.

So for now PUPO.

The two week wait

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We are once again in the 2ww. ET was on Monday. I was very stressed about our awful fertility report. Dr H however explained to me that he triggered when my 11 leading follies was at the desired size but he always checks the other follicles for eggs in case there is a mature one lurking there.

Well there was none. On Monday we had 6 embryos left. 3 looked ok. No full blasts. We transferred one morula and one pre-blast. There was another morula left that could possibly still be frozen but I doubt it. I have only now send an email for confirmation. The other 3 were badly fragmented. So end result was not completely bad but not great either.

Obviously I have googled, and there is a lot of success stories of 5dt with morulas and pre-blasts. So all hope is not lost but I can’t help but feel that we have waisted our time and money on this cycle. The writing is on the wall, my eggs are old.

We are now at 2dp5dt and feels like a week has already passed. I took out comedies yesterday and Monday and that’s what I did mostly. I did go for a walk with Kyra in her pram yesterday and worked up a bit of a sweat, thought that getting a little bit of blood flow going would not be a bad thing.

Today is back to work. I am however sticking to admin and not picking up heavy dresses etc. I will resume that from tomorrow.

All in all I was pretty shattered on Monday with the not so good result, I felt like such a failure. All this money and time again. I was ready to tell Dr H to flush those embies down the drain. I just felt so exhausted. Somewhere along the line I got my hopes up too much and the crash was a bit hectic. I am feeling better now and what must be must be. I just want to be done with this, one way or another.

But I do pray that God bless us with a sibling for Kyra. On our way out this weekend Kyra kept on saying mamma from the back seat. I kept on saying “yes Kyra” but no answer just mamma. Clearly I was not asking the right question. So I asked her “what do you want Kyra?” And she answered “baba”. DH and I just looked at each other.

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